I used to struggle with body image...not used to, do. I think we all do, no matter how body positive we are, we look at a picture and see chunky arms, double chins, extra rolls around the middle and thighs that dont gap (thank god for those though, right?), and big penis shaped noses, and facial hair and archy eyebrows, acne scars and frizzy hair. No matter how much we look at our stretch marks and saggy boobs and think "but look at how they got there, wow!" we still see flaws. No matter how much self love we have, how beautiful we think we are despite our flaws, we still see our flaws and dont love them....we love ourselves "even with the flaws" instead of loving our flaws and all. But thats normal, its normal to have parts of our bodies we dont love. The important thing is we dont let those flaws keep us from loving and appreciating our bodies as a whole.
I realized something the other day, I realized that I am totally comfortable with how I look, I have everything mentioned above, but I dont care enough to let it affect my life, and I'm proud of that. However, I still want to be attractive to my guy, I dont give a shit about anyone elses opinion of how I look, but his opinion matters. He has to have sex with one person for the rest of his life, and he chose me when I was 19 with perky tits and a great ass. I look much different from that now. I'm no longer 122lbs sopping wet, hell, I could cut off a leg at the hip and still not be back down to that weight (and to think that I thought that was fat!). My boobs droop a little, and my ass is slowly getting less firm, I have added about 50lbs (approximate as I havent stepped on a scale in ages) to my 19yr old body...so honestly, I often wonder if he still thinks I'm hot...I mean, I like how voluptuous I look, but does he? He says he does, but arent they kind of required to say that?
I dont want him to be disappointed that this is all he gets. I dont want him feeling like he has to come home to somebody who has let themselves go. I know he doesnt really care if I blow up, but I dont want him to not care, I want him to want to come home to me...I want him to feel like "I GET to sleep with her!"
He's far from romantic so I don't get those moments of him telling me that I'm beautiful. When I put my face on and put on something other than pajamas he tells me I look "really nice in that" or "pretty today", both of which also imply a comparison to how I normally look. I know, I should definitely not read deeper into a compliment, and I am grateful that I received his sweet sentiment at all...but, you know, I'm human.
You know what he isnt required to do though? He's not required to put his hand right above my hip, where my waist starts to curve out (right at a fat roll I might add) and tell me that its his favorite part of my body.
He's not required to walk past me when I'm cooking and very quickly plant a small kiss right at the top of my shoulder where my neck starts, sometimes he even inhales deeply before hand and kind of sighs after in a way that says "ah, home.", its extremely comforting.
He's not required to use my very fluffy tummy as a pillow when I'm lying on the couch like a bum.
I told him once that I wanted to go out and pick up other people, not because I'm not happy with him, but because I am insecure and want to know that I've still "got it" and his response was both extremely insulting and also extremely true and it inspired this whole post...
"You wouldnt know" he said. "you wouldnt know if it was because of you or if it was because you were willing,"
I told him that I'm sure I would know, that I could tell if it was sincere or not. And he quite bluntly said that no I wouldnt.
Do you realize how fucked up that is? Guys are so aware of our insecurities that they know exactly how to fake sincerity and get us to feel secure with them enough to put out. They know how to make us feel like we are a great person, an exception almost and not ugly...maybe not a 10, but certainly on the higher end of the scale, which for whatever reason makes us feel like we should sleep with them. But it has nothing to do with us. Now, this isnt exactly news, but the fact that we wouldnt know...thats news. Thats extremely unsettling, especially for someone who picks up women that I'm only genuinely interested in, men too...what sucks most about it is I have felt like just one of the guys for quite some time and it makes me question some of my best friends. It makes me wonder how many of them were playing me, were using our friendship as a way in, how many arent sincere, and didnt give a shit about me as a person??? He followed up his insult with telling me that he still wants me for me, and not just my ass...which is great...but it definitely didnt overshadow his "you wouldnt know". It was a lesson for me, and hopefully its a lesson for all the younger girls as well.
Dont worry about societies expectations for your body, love yourself and your body, because ultimately, you are the only one that does.You will not know if anyone else sincerely loves your body as much as you think they do, and so what....as long as you do (as you should!) then fuck em. Do what you want with your body and to hell with everyone else, its all fun and games anyway.