Friday, October 23, 2015

Its time to stop saying "At least he doesn't hit you"

It has come to my attention that women feel so indebted to men, in general, that we have convinced ourselves (and subsequently we try to pass on the myth) that if a man doesn't hit us, or generally treat us abusively, that we should just be grateful. At some point we decided that its sufficient to find settlement with a man who doesn't make us feel loved, appreciated, respected, wanted, so long as he isn't abusive.
As women we are taught that its on us to nurture the relationships and dedicate ourselves to making things work when we find that things have slumped, or if things just don't feel..good. Its on us to stay appealing, lovable, wonderful. Women are the glue it seems. So as women, we search for answers on how to play these roles. We talk to our mothers, our friends, our mentors...we vent and look into their eyes for wisdom on how to proceed, how to make things work when they no longer feel like they are worth our energy. Time and time again we hear those words, that seem encouraging, they do, but lets be honest: this can be hurtful advice that further traps women, rather than pushing them to find answers.
Now, I am not saying that every time you have a fight that you should tuck your tail and run. No, I firmly believe in fighting for what you want, I believe in not just giving up, and that you get what you give, so you should give your all...I'm just saying that when things are more down than up, when you feel like you are hanging by a thread, when its clearly not working, and you have talked until you are blue in the face and you still aren't even close to happy...its okay to want more than "at least he doesn't hit you". Its okay to dream of somewhere that the grass is greener, so long as you know that the grass probably isn't actually any greener. Be a realist.
If you have given your guy chance after chance, if you have communicated with him and tried to make it work, and you have given him a fair chance to help you make it right...its okay to decide you want more. You deserve happiness, alone or with someone new, even if he doesn't abuse you. Maybe separating is best for both of you in the long run, or maybe there are changes you both can make to fix it, I don't know.
I can't tell you how to get where you want to be, I can't tell you what steps to take. I don't know your situation. I can tell you that you should sit down with him, and be honest with him. He's a human too. Its time to stop telling women and girls that they should stay in an unhappy relationship, just because they aren't being abused. Its okay to help remind them of the positives, but lets not focus on any sentence that starts with "at least he doesnt..."

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Wyrd Experience!

Today I did something, something totally selfish! I got a, well, I thought I was getting a massage, it was more like a masochistic indulgence. Wow did it hurt/feel freaking A-MAZ-ING!!!! A year or so ago, my daughter was enrolled into dance classes and it didnt take long for me to connect with her instructor and realize we were very similar...both totally wyrd! One of our after class discussions was about how she is also a massage therapist and how I should check out her site, and then she promised to take complete care of me....well I never got around to it...

The other day on fb she posted that she would be available for massages today for a discounted price if we paid cash, I immediately felt like this was something I needed, honestly I've been pretty stressed lately and have been embarking on a self transformation (I'm still looking for others to join me on this if you are reading this and are looking for a REALISTIC self transformation for your mind/body/health/home/etc that requires very little money, then I would love for you to join us at so I needed to do something for me. I dont like to ask my guy for money, I dont like to depend on others for anything...but I felt like I deserved to do this...I know how entitled that sounds so let me say that this is the first time in 8 years that this has ever happened, I never just ask for money to spend on me...but I've been working my butt off lately.
 Anyway, so I called this morning to verify the appointment and jumped in the shower, where I proceeded to attempt to shave my legs (hard enough with a stand up shower, even harder with a beat up knee!) and scrub my hair. I got out and realized that it had taken me an hour to achieve smooth legs :/ So I hopped in the car and hurried on my way.

 I pull up to her lovely farm house in historic downtown Strasburg, Va and anxiously walk up to the door, hair unbrushed and dripping wet, clothing askew...she opens the door and I apologize for being a mess as I step into her GORGEOUS entry...her husband has painted the whole area to look like you are inside of a medieval castle! The furnishings match the walls and its all just sort of magical honestly.

 She leads me up the fantastic hardwood stairs and into a little room, adequately adorned with a sign saying "massage room". As I step in, I look around, I take a deep breath, and I hear all the sounds I expect to in a spa like setting, the massage table has vintage linens and a blanket on it, the sheer gold curtains provide privacy and fit the castle theme, the cocobutter and incense smell are instantly relaxing. She instructs me to get undressed and lay down on the table and look up at the sky (I look up to see a sky like motif on the ceiling and cant help but giggle), she leaves the room and I do as Im told. The table is warmed, a heating pad under my back, a pillow under my calves...I'm already starting to feel an anxious perfectionist, this is quite surprising.

 She comes back in and rubs my feet down with some sort of cream, puts a pair of socks on them, and then slips on something I'm going to call "heating pad slippers" because I dont know what else to call them quite frankly. She pulls up a rolling stool and sits above my head, she must have spent at least 30mins rubbing my head. I'm not going to lie, this was INTENSE to say the least, at times it was extremely painful...but I didnt want her to stop either. I know that she is working out knots that I wasnt even aware that I could have...did you know you can have knots on your head? Not just a few either, like a lot of them!

 She moved on to my neck, my back, my shoulders, my chest, my face, my arms, and kept going down from there, hips, thighs, calves, ankles, feet, all the while slathering me in luscious coconut butter. It was spectacular! We talked the whole time, everything from energies, chakras, dreaming, higher self, vibrations...all things that one would expect when receiving a reiki massage I think.,

 We could both tell when she found a place that I carry a lot of tension. Its amazing how when you are stressed, you can feel tension in your body, but you have NO IDEA how MUCH tension, how many knots there really are. It was like clusters of grapes and she expertly worked out each knot until they "popped" and dissipated. After a while she had me turn over and worked on the back, not shying away at any point. She was so experienced and professional and serious about her work, touching me without any apprehension and with such skill, a true artist! She would randomly stop to rub my arm to remind me just how minimally she was actually applying any pressure at all, and to ask if I needed her to stop (can I just say that I am a big baby and whined the whole god it was serious lol) but in the same breathe, it would be gloriously relaxing too.

 When it was all over she left me to dress and wish it wasnt over, taking it a step further to give me her number for if I had any questions later, she instructed me in what to do to alleviate any subsequent soreness that comes with detoxing your body via massage, and even let me know that shes running a special that got me $5 off my next massage by June just for coming in today. Not only are her rates generous, and not only is she generous with how much time you get, and not only is she skilled beyond belief, she made sure I was taken care of even after I left her table. That, is customer service ladies and gentlemen. That, is what will warrent her another repeat customer and that, my friends, is blog worthy! So, I had a wyrd experience today...and I highly suggest you do the same ASAP. Tell her I sent you :)

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Juggling all these first world problems

*disclaimer* I have a pretty good life, as I am often reminded. I know I have it good and that it could be much much worse...but does that mean I have to be happy if I feel like I'm stressed or overwhelmed? I mean, I am grateful, but I'm not happy as often as I'm supposed to be.

For me:
I need more yoga
I need more meditation
I need more wine nights
I need to write daily
I need more girlfriends
I need more sleep
I need more bubble baths
I need to be creative
I need order in my home
I need pretty surroundings
I need more sunshine
I need barefoot in the grass time
I need to work out at home
I need more gym time
I need more books
I need more of the things that make me feel happy (jamberry, candles, art, sweaters, clothes that make me feel sexy and pretty, shoes, lotions, home decor)
I need more hippie things
I need more tattoos
I need to travel
I need hikes
I need lakes and canoeing
I need to LIVE

As mom:
I need to teach the kids
I need to play with my kids as much as the other moms do
I need to snuggle more
I need to yell less
I need to dress the kids up
I need to talk less, listen more
I need more dance parties
I need more family game nights where games get finished
I need to provide adventures and vacations
I need to expose them to more of the world than our home and school
I need to be pretty, strong, wise, comforting, loving, smiling, motherly
*I* need the kids to listen so we have time for this stuff

As girlfriend:
I need to nag less
I need to listen more
I need to be mindful of personal space
I need to bitch less
I need to be more grateful and say thank you more
I need to expect less
I need to give more backrubs
*I* need more romance, dates, intimate loving truly personal moments

As housekeeper:
I need to keep the floors sparkling
I need to keep surfaces clear and clean
I need to know where everything belongs and where it is
I need to keep dishes washed
I need to keep clothes wrinkle free and easily accessible
I need to keep toilets germ free
I need to keep everything stocked and ready to use
I need everything to be "company ready"
*I* need very little here, just some days off

As babysitter:
I need to teach life skills and academics
I need to make healthy meals and snacks
I need to provide large motor and small motor activities and crafts
I need to be patient and kind
*I* need to not overstep or get overwhelmed

As an aspiring doula:
I need a car
I need to find a babysitter, and a backup, and a backup, and a backup
I need to enroll
I need to jump in
I need to keep learning
I need practice
I need to consider everything, determine my value, and start a real business
I need a name, a logo, a website...real ones
*I* need to be a doula, I have never felt more passionate about anything

As a friend or family member:
I need to remember birthdays
I need to send cards
I need to call
I need to provide laughs or shoulders as needed.
*I* need my friends to come to me and bring wine and laughs, music and joy

I have a lot to juggle, and while it may seem that being a sahm means nothing but downtime and I have all the time in the world...what it really means is that I have to hold the world up and be grateful. Sometimes its not easy to do that. I just need to breathe and figure out how to fit all of this stuff into my days, my weeks, my years. I need a plan.