Friday, October 24, 2014

BIG ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

I am taking a much needed break in my week to bring you big news for my family!

We bought a house!!!

Wanna see???? 



Isnt she lovely? 5bedrooms, 3.5baths, there's not only a separate dining room, there's a formal living room, a family room, and a rec room! Theres a one car garage which will mostly be used as a mudroom (despite the fact that it has a real foyer!!) and theres also a storage room. I dont even know where to begin...I'm going to have my own bedroom and bathroom...like a normal person! Goodbye jack and jill bath!  I "borrowed some pics from the realitor website...so none of the stuff in these pictures is ours, and its only a handful of pics, but if I bombarded you with all of them then you would never forgive me :) 




We plan to make a few changes, but all of them minor...we are tearing up the beige carpet in the dining room...because....4 kids, we plan to paint the girls room and our room and the kitchen cabinets. Its all minor stuff because the previous owner kept the place pretty immaculate and its move in ready! 

So before I conclude this announcement, I want to take a moment to say Thank you to T, in the last 7+ years we have been through a lot, we have struggled in many ways and between our sacrifices and our hard work, we have managed to make this happen. Its been a long hard road, but its been worth it. We now have a beautiful home to raise our family in. That's something to be proud of and I'm very grateful to have found someone who was willing to work hard to provide and who has helped make it possible for our girls to have a real family and a nice home. Its so much more than I ever dreamed would be possible for my life and for my kids lives. It means so much to me. 
Okay...we move tomorrow so I guess I'd better go pack! 

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Body Love and men!



I used to struggle with body image...not used to, do. I think we all do, no matter how body positive we are, we look at a picture and see chunky arms, double chins, extra rolls around the middle and thighs that dont gap (thank god for those though, right?), and big penis shaped noses, and facial hair and archy eyebrows, acne scars and frizzy hair. No matter how much we look at our stretch marks and saggy boobs and think "but look at how they got there, wow!" we still see flaws. No matter how much self love we have, how beautiful we think we are despite our flaws, we still see our flaws and dont love them....we love ourselves "even with the flaws" instead of loving our flaws and all. But thats normal, its normal to have parts of our bodies we dont love. The important thing is we dont let those flaws keep us from loving and appreciating our bodies as a whole.

I realized something the other day, I realized that I am totally comfortable with how I look, I have everything mentioned above, but I dont care enough to let it affect my life, and I'm proud of that.  However, I still want to be attractive to my guy, I dont give a shit about anyone elses opinion of how I look, but his opinion matters. He has to have sex with one person for the rest of his life, and he chose me when I was 19 with perky tits and a great ass. I look much different from that now. I'm no longer 122lbs sopping wet, hell, I could cut off a leg at the hip and still not be back down to that weight (and to think that I thought that was fat!). My boobs droop a little, and my ass is slowly getting less firm, I have added about 50lbs (approximate as I havent stepped on a scale in ages) to my 19yr old body...so honestly, I often wonder if he still thinks I'm hot...I mean, I like how voluptuous I look, but does he? He says he does, but arent they kind of required to say that?

Kevin Spacey Bitch Please

 I dont want him to be disappointed that this is all he gets. I dont want him feeling like he has to come home to somebody who has let themselves go. I know he doesnt really care if I blow up, but I dont want him to not care, I want him to want to come home to me...I want him to feel like "I GET to sleep with her!"


  He's far from romantic so I don't get those moments of him telling me that I'm beautiful. When I put my face on and put on something other than pajamas he tells me I look "really nice in that" or "pretty today", both of which also imply a comparison to how I normally look. I know, I should definitely not read deeper into a compliment, and I am grateful that I received his sweet sentiment at all...but, you know, I'm human. 

You know what he isnt required to do though? He's not required to put his hand right above my hip, where my waist starts to curve out (right at a fat roll I might add) and tell me that its his favorite part of my body. 
He's not required to walk past me when I'm cooking and very quickly plant a small kiss right at the top of my shoulder where my neck starts, sometimes he even inhales deeply before hand and kind of sighs after in a way that says "ah, home.", its extremely comforting. 
He's not required to use my very fluffy tummy as a pillow when I'm lying on the couch like a bum. 

I told him once that I wanted to go out and pick up other people, not because I'm not happy with him, but because I am insecure and want to know that I've still "got it" and his response was both extremely insulting and also extremely true and it inspired this whole post... 
"You wouldnt know" he said. "you wouldnt know if it was because of you or if it was because you were willing,"


 I told him that I'm sure I would know, that I could tell if it was sincere or not. And he quite bluntly said that no I wouldnt.


Do you realize how fucked up that is? Guys are so aware of our insecurities that they know exactly how to fake sincerity and get us to feel secure with them enough to put out. They know how to make us feel like we are a great person, an exception almost and not ugly...maybe not a 10, but certainly on the higher end of the scale, which for whatever reason makes us feel like we should sleep with them. But it has nothing to do with us. Now, this isnt exactly news, but the fact that we wouldnt know...thats news. Thats extremely unsettling, especially for someone who picks up women that I'm only genuinely interested in, men too...what sucks most about it is I have felt like just one of the guys for quite some time and it makes me question some of my best friends. It makes me wonder how many of them were playing me, were using our friendship as a way in, how many arent sincere, and didnt give a shit about me as a person??? He followed up his insult with telling me that he still wants me for me, and not just my ass...which is great...but it definitely didnt overshadow his "you wouldnt know". It was a lesson for me, and hopefully its a lesson for all the younger girls as well. 
Dont worry about societies expectations for your body, love yourself and your body, because ultimately, you are the only one that does.You will not know if anyone else sincerely loves your body as much as you think they do, and so what....as long as you do (as you should!) then fuck em. Do what you want with your body and to hell with everyone else, its all fun and games anyway. 

nailed it

Monday, August 25, 2014

A Bittersweet Transition, gently saying goodbye to boobies. *nsfw*

      There are these moments in parenting that are full of feeling, these moments where we slow down and let it all sink in....the first ultrasound where you realize that those moments alone with the person you love has created a life and that life has a heartbeat and you are terrified and relieved at the sound. The kicking to the sound of your partners voice because they recognize both of you and you feel so happy for your other half that your heart could burst. The labor where you are anxious and full of this feeling of "we are doing this, we are making a family, something incredible and completely unbelievable is happening. The moment when you look at the baby and then you look at each other, just in awe. The sleep exhausted moments in the night when you cant decide if you want to never ever put them down because if you do you will lose one moment with them...or if you want to cry you are so tired and you just want them to sleep. The time when you or your partner return to work and you feel like your heart is breaking for your whole family, because its not fair that you cant stay in your bubble forever. There are all the firsts, walking, talking, giggles, teeth, etc. There are so many moments that happen, that help to break up all of the mundane day to day robotic moments. These moments, to me, are not always easy, as I'm sure they aren't for all mothers.

     I never realized that breastfeeding would be more than just feeding any babies I had. I never realized that it was more than just health benefits for both of us, that it was more than food and water wrapped up in one. I didnt know that it would dry tears during a hysterical crying fit from a fall down cement steps, I didnt know that it would help dull teething pain while multiple teeth (including incisors) try to bust through all at once. I didnt know that it would soothe belly pains and bumped knees and bad moods and anxiety and stranger danger. I didnt know that it was a bandaid, that it could be used as actual medicine, for eye drops and nose spray and diaper cream and more. I didnt know that the sound of her gulping could soothe my own soul. 

It hasnt been easy, from the moment that I placed her on my chest and let her crawl her way up and I had to put my fear aside. I had only breastfed her sister for 2 weeks, and that 2 weeks was a constant struggle, between the shield and the pumping and the cluelessness and the strange women touching me trying to help..gruffly I might add, etc. So I was terrified this time around, that it wasnt going to work out again, and again I would find myself sitting up bawling my eyes out feeling like a failure as a mom. The first 48 hours of her life she nurse around the clock, AROUND THE CLOCK FOR 48 HOURS...just let that process for a second. Look at her, this was her first latch after we did the breast crawl. 

After that, we dealt with an oversupply and engorgement like you wouldnt believe (hellooooo big ol booglies!) and learning to block feed, we dealt with thrush that was resistant to all three rounds of nystatin but had nothing on gentian violet...of course that meant we both had to be purple for a bit, but then it got easier. It got so easy that I began to feel bad for moms who couldnt just whip out a boob and go...oh, and I got to watch her grow...and grow....and grow....and grow! Going from 7lbs 11oz, to maxing out at around 32.5lbs somewhere between 8-10months old, she was ENORMOUS. 

But thats not the point of this post, the point is we have made it to 2 years old and counting. I thought I would stop at 1 year, I thought I would stop at 18 months...I never thought we would make it to 2 years, but somewhere around 3 months I decided I would stop when she decided we were ready....but things change. I'm not planning to cut her off entirely, because boobies has been everything I said above and her blankie, and her lullaby..boobies has been her entire world for 2 plus years, and just ripping them away would be cruel...so we are weaning gently for her sake...and mine. 

Mine, because I didnt realize that breastfeeding would be such a large part of my life, I didnt realize that in this journey of life, that I would need closure when it came to stopping, that this would be such a bittersweet transition. *break to let you know that I have incredible friends* As I was making the decision to wean, my friend (who is a henna artist, click it to see some of her awesomeness) threw this idea at me of a chest piece having to do with a nursing photo shoot, how serendipitous right? So we put together this concept of a series of symbols, the henna turned out gorgeous and helped me to find closure through their representations. 
there are symbols for love, cherished moments, transformation, renewal, healing, strength, enlightenment, rebirth, reflection, balance. 

Sadly the henna didnt last until we made time to take the pictures, you will see it, but its also very faded...but thats okay, because just getting it, and having it, helped me. I decided on the henna and the photos as one last hurrah before starting the weaning, and since the henna and photos we have completely weaned during daylight hours. She is still nursing at night, but that is also being cut down gradually. Its harder at night because we bedshare and I'm asleep when shes nursing, but with the other recent changes in our lives, this wont last much longer, but I'm okay with where we are right now :) So, without further ado: 








































Its amazing to me how far we've come, my littlest love and I. One adventure ending, many more to come.