Friday, October 23, 2015

Its time to stop saying "At least he doesn't hit you"

It has come to my attention that women feel so indebted to men, in general, that we have convinced ourselves (and subsequently we try to pass on the myth) that if a man doesn't hit us, or generally treat us abusively, that we should just be grateful. At some point we decided that its sufficient to find settlement with a man who doesn't make us feel loved, appreciated, respected, wanted, so long as he isn't abusive.
As women we are taught that its on us to nurture the relationships and dedicate ourselves to making things work when we find that things have slumped, or if things just don't feel..good. Its on us to stay appealing, lovable, wonderful. Women are the glue it seems. So as women, we search for answers on how to play these roles. We talk to our mothers, our friends, our mentors...we vent and look into their eyes for wisdom on how to proceed, how to make things work when they no longer feel like they are worth our energy. Time and time again we hear those words, that seem encouraging, they do, but lets be honest: this can be hurtful advice that further traps women, rather than pushing them to find answers.
Now, I am not saying that every time you have a fight that you should tuck your tail and run. No, I firmly believe in fighting for what you want, I believe in not just giving up, and that you get what you give, so you should give your all...I'm just saying that when things are more down than up, when you feel like you are hanging by a thread, when its clearly not working, and you have talked until you are blue in the face and you still aren't even close to happy...its okay to want more than "at least he doesn't hit you". Its okay to dream of somewhere that the grass is greener, so long as you know that the grass probably isn't actually any greener. Be a realist.
If you have given your guy chance after chance, if you have communicated with him and tried to make it work, and you have given him a fair chance to help you make it right...its okay to decide you want more. You deserve happiness, alone or with someone new, even if he doesn't abuse you. Maybe separating is best for both of you in the long run, or maybe there are changes you both can make to fix it, I don't know.
I can't tell you how to get where you want to be, I can't tell you what steps to take. I don't know your situation. I can tell you that you should sit down with him, and be honest with him. He's a human too. Its time to stop telling women and girls that they should stay in an unhappy relationship, just because they aren't being abused. Its okay to help remind them of the positives, but lets not focus on any sentence that starts with "at least he doesnt..."

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Wyrd Experience!

Today I did something, something totally selfish! I got a, well, I thought I was getting a massage, it was more like a masochistic indulgence. Wow did it hurt/feel freaking A-MAZ-ING!!!! A year or so ago, my daughter was enrolled into dance classes and it didnt take long for me to connect with her instructor and realize we were very similar...both totally wyrd! One of our after class discussions was about how she is also a massage therapist and how I should check out her site, and then she promised to take complete care of me....well I never got around to it...

The other day on fb she posted that she would be available for massages today for a discounted price if we paid cash, I immediately felt like this was something I needed, honestly I've been pretty stressed lately and have been embarking on a self transformation (I'm still looking for others to join me on this if you are reading this and are looking for a REALISTIC self transformation for your mind/body/health/home/etc that requires very little money, then I would love for you to join us at so I needed to do something for me. I dont like to ask my guy for money, I dont like to depend on others for anything...but I felt like I deserved to do this...I know how entitled that sounds so let me say that this is the first time in 8 years that this has ever happened, I never just ask for money to spend on me...but I've been working my butt off lately.
 Anyway, so I called this morning to verify the appointment and jumped in the shower, where I proceeded to attempt to shave my legs (hard enough with a stand up shower, even harder with a beat up knee!) and scrub my hair. I got out and realized that it had taken me an hour to achieve smooth legs :/ So I hopped in the car and hurried on my way.

 I pull up to her lovely farm house in historic downtown Strasburg, Va and anxiously walk up to the door, hair unbrushed and dripping wet, clothing askew...she opens the door and I apologize for being a mess as I step into her GORGEOUS entry...her husband has painted the whole area to look like you are inside of a medieval castle! The furnishings match the walls and its all just sort of magical honestly.

 She leads me up the fantastic hardwood stairs and into a little room, adequately adorned with a sign saying "massage room". As I step in, I look around, I take a deep breath, and I hear all the sounds I expect to in a spa like setting, the massage table has vintage linens and a blanket on it, the sheer gold curtains provide privacy and fit the castle theme, the cocobutter and incense smell are instantly relaxing. She instructs me to get undressed and lay down on the table and look up at the sky (I look up to see a sky like motif on the ceiling and cant help but giggle), she leaves the room and I do as Im told. The table is warmed, a heating pad under my back, a pillow under my calves...I'm already starting to feel an anxious perfectionist, this is quite surprising.

 She comes back in and rubs my feet down with some sort of cream, puts a pair of socks on them, and then slips on something I'm going to call "heating pad slippers" because I dont know what else to call them quite frankly. She pulls up a rolling stool and sits above my head, she must have spent at least 30mins rubbing my head. I'm not going to lie, this was INTENSE to say the least, at times it was extremely painful...but I didnt want her to stop either. I know that she is working out knots that I wasnt even aware that I could have...did you know you can have knots on your head? Not just a few either, like a lot of them!

 She moved on to my neck, my back, my shoulders, my chest, my face, my arms, and kept going down from there, hips, thighs, calves, ankles, feet, all the while slathering me in luscious coconut butter. It was spectacular! We talked the whole time, everything from energies, chakras, dreaming, higher self, vibrations...all things that one would expect when receiving a reiki massage I think.,

 We could both tell when she found a place that I carry a lot of tension. Its amazing how when you are stressed, you can feel tension in your body, but you have NO IDEA how MUCH tension, how many knots there really are. It was like clusters of grapes and she expertly worked out each knot until they "popped" and dissipated. After a while she had me turn over and worked on the back, not shying away at any point. She was so experienced and professional and serious about her work, touching me without any apprehension and with such skill, a true artist! She would randomly stop to rub my arm to remind me just how minimally she was actually applying any pressure at all, and to ask if I needed her to stop (can I just say that I am a big baby and whined the whole god it was serious lol) but in the same breathe, it would be gloriously relaxing too.

 When it was all over she left me to dress and wish it wasnt over, taking it a step further to give me her number for if I had any questions later, she instructed me in what to do to alleviate any subsequent soreness that comes with detoxing your body via massage, and even let me know that shes running a special that got me $5 off my next massage by June just for coming in today. Not only are her rates generous, and not only is she generous with how much time you get, and not only is she skilled beyond belief, she made sure I was taken care of even after I left her table. That, is customer service ladies and gentlemen. That, is what will warrent her another repeat customer and that, my friends, is blog worthy! So, I had a wyrd experience today...and I highly suggest you do the same ASAP. Tell her I sent you :)

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Juggling all these first world problems

*disclaimer* I have a pretty good life, as I am often reminded. I know I have it good and that it could be much much worse...but does that mean I have to be happy if I feel like I'm stressed or overwhelmed? I mean, I am grateful, but I'm not happy as often as I'm supposed to be.

For me:
I need more yoga
I need more meditation
I need more wine nights
I need to write daily
I need more girlfriends
I need more sleep
I need more bubble baths
I need to be creative
I need order in my home
I need pretty surroundings
I need more sunshine
I need barefoot in the grass time
I need to work out at home
I need more gym time
I need more books
I need more of the things that make me feel happy (jamberry, candles, art, sweaters, clothes that make me feel sexy and pretty, shoes, lotions, home decor)
I need more hippie things
I need more tattoos
I need to travel
I need hikes
I need lakes and canoeing
I need to LIVE

As mom:
I need to teach the kids
I need to play with my kids as much as the other moms do
I need to snuggle more
I need to yell less
I need to dress the kids up
I need to talk less, listen more
I need more dance parties
I need more family game nights where games get finished
I need to provide adventures and vacations
I need to expose them to more of the world than our home and school
I need to be pretty, strong, wise, comforting, loving, smiling, motherly
*I* need the kids to listen so we have time for this stuff

As girlfriend:
I need to nag less
I need to listen more
I need to be mindful of personal space
I need to bitch less
I need to be more grateful and say thank you more
I need to expect less
I need to give more backrubs
*I* need more romance, dates, intimate loving truly personal moments

As housekeeper:
I need to keep the floors sparkling
I need to keep surfaces clear and clean
I need to know where everything belongs and where it is
I need to keep dishes washed
I need to keep clothes wrinkle free and easily accessible
I need to keep toilets germ free
I need to keep everything stocked and ready to use
I need everything to be "company ready"
*I* need very little here, just some days off

As babysitter:
I need to teach life skills and academics
I need to make healthy meals and snacks
I need to provide large motor and small motor activities and crafts
I need to be patient and kind
*I* need to not overstep or get overwhelmed

As an aspiring doula:
I need a car
I need to find a babysitter, and a backup, and a backup, and a backup
I need to enroll
I need to jump in
I need to keep learning
I need practice
I need to consider everything, determine my value, and start a real business
I need a name, a logo, a website...real ones
*I* need to be a doula, I have never felt more passionate about anything

As a friend or family member:
I need to remember birthdays
I need to send cards
I need to call
I need to provide laughs or shoulders as needed.
*I* need my friends to come to me and bring wine and laughs, music and joy

I have a lot to juggle, and while it may seem that being a sahm means nothing but downtime and I have all the time in the world...what it really means is that I have to hold the world up and be grateful. Sometimes its not easy to do that. I just need to breathe and figure out how to fit all of this stuff into my days, my weeks, my years. I need a plan.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

I'm part of the Influenster community, and today I got A FREE BAG OF CANDY CANE HERSHEYS KISSES!!!

What is Influenster?
 According to their about page.. "Influenster is a community of trendsetters, social media hotshots, and educated consumers who live to give opinions of products and experiences." 

Basically, they email the community members and invite us to participate in a survey, based on our answers, we may be selected to receive a voxbox full of full sized samples of products to try out and tell our friends about. We earn points and that increases our chances of getting more opportunities to get more free stuff! Every time we tell someone, or we get a friend to join the site, we get points! So if you want in, simply shoot me a comment with your email and I can hook ya up! 

Anyway, today I got my box! 

I couldnt wait to tear into them (neither could the kids!) and I have to tell you....these things are freaking delicious!!!!! There are tiny little bits of candy cane in the chocolate! Something about the mint, the crunch, the smooth chocolate, and the combination of flavors is a symphony of flavor (shut up, I know its cliche, I dont care, its true!). 

Those little red dots inside are the peppermint punch! So yummy! 

I'm so glad I was chosen to test these, they are so good! When they hit the shelves, snag a bag, you wont regret it. 

****I received these products complimentary from Influenster for testing purposes****

Friday, October 24, 2014


I am taking a much needed break in my week to bring you big news for my family!

We bought a house!!!

Wanna see???? 

Isnt she lovely? 5bedrooms, 3.5baths, there's not only a separate dining room, there's a formal living room, a family room, and a rec room! Theres a one car garage which will mostly be used as a mudroom (despite the fact that it has a real foyer!!) and theres also a storage room. I dont even know where to begin...I'm going to have my own bedroom and a normal person! Goodbye jack and jill bath!  I "borrowed some pics from the realitor none of the stuff in these pictures is ours, and its only a handful of pics, but if I bombarded you with all of them then you would never forgive me :) 

We plan to make a few changes, but all of them minor...we are tearing up the beige carpet in the dining room...because....4 kids, we plan to paint the girls room and our room and the kitchen cabinets. Its all minor stuff because the previous owner kept the place pretty immaculate and its move in ready! 

So before I conclude this announcement, I want to take a moment to say Thank you to T, in the last 7+ years we have been through a lot, we have struggled in many ways and between our sacrifices and our hard work, we have managed to make this happen. Its been a long hard road, but its been worth it. We now have a beautiful home to raise our family in. That's something to be proud of and I'm very grateful to have found someone who was willing to work hard to provide and who has helped make it possible for our girls to have a real family and a nice home. Its so much more than I ever dreamed would be possible for my life and for my kids lives. It means so much to me. 
Okay...we move tomorrow so I guess I'd better go pack! 

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Body Love and men!

I used to struggle with body image...not used to, do. I think we all do, no matter how body positive we are, we look at a picture and see chunky arms, double chins, extra rolls around the middle and thighs that dont gap (thank god for those though, right?), and big penis shaped noses, and facial hair and archy eyebrows, acne scars and frizzy hair. No matter how much we look at our stretch marks and saggy boobs and think "but look at how they got there, wow!" we still see flaws. No matter how much self love we have, how beautiful we think we are despite our flaws, we still see our flaws and dont love them....we love ourselves "even with the flaws" instead of loving our flaws and all. But thats normal, its normal to have parts of our bodies we dont love. The important thing is we dont let those flaws keep us from loving and appreciating our bodies as a whole.

I realized something the other day, I realized that I am totally comfortable with how I look, I have everything mentioned above, but I dont care enough to let it affect my life, and I'm proud of that.  However, I still want to be attractive to my guy, I dont give a shit about anyone elses opinion of how I look, but his opinion matters. He has to have sex with one person for the rest of his life, and he chose me when I was 19 with perky tits and a great ass. I look much different from that now. I'm no longer 122lbs sopping wet, hell, I could cut off a leg at the hip and still not be back down to that weight (and to think that I thought that was fat!). My boobs droop a little, and my ass is slowly getting less firm, I have added about 50lbs (approximate as I havent stepped on a scale in ages) to my 19yr old honestly, I often wonder if he still thinks I'm hot...I mean, I like how voluptuous I look, but does he? He says he does, but arent they kind of required to say that?

Kevin Spacey Bitch Please

 I dont want him to be disappointed that this is all he gets. I dont want him feeling like he has to come home to somebody who has let themselves go. I know he doesnt really care if I blow up, but I dont want him to not care, I want him to want to come home to me...I want him to feel like "I GET to sleep with her!"

  He's far from romantic so I don't get those moments of him telling me that I'm beautiful. When I put my face on and put on something other than pajamas he tells me I look "really nice in that" or "pretty today", both of which also imply a comparison to how I normally look. I know, I should definitely not read deeper into a compliment, and I am grateful that I received his sweet sentiment at all...but, you know, I'm human. 

You know what he isnt required to do though? He's not required to put his hand right above my hip, where my waist starts to curve out (right at a fat roll I might add) and tell me that its his favorite part of my body. 
He's not required to walk past me when I'm cooking and very quickly plant a small kiss right at the top of my shoulder where my neck starts, sometimes he even inhales deeply before hand and kind of sighs after in a way that says "ah, home.", its extremely comforting. 
He's not required to use my very fluffy tummy as a pillow when I'm lying on the couch like a bum. 

I told him once that I wanted to go out and pick up other people, not because I'm not happy with him, but because I am insecure and want to know that I've still "got it" and his response was both extremely insulting and also extremely true and it inspired this whole post... 
"You wouldnt know" he said. "you wouldnt know if it was because of you or if it was because you were willing,"

 I told him that I'm sure I would know, that I could tell if it was sincere or not. And he quite bluntly said that no I wouldnt.

Do you realize how fucked up that is? Guys are so aware of our insecurities that they know exactly how to fake sincerity and get us to feel secure with them enough to put out. They know how to make us feel like we are a great person, an exception almost and not ugly...maybe not a 10, but certainly on the higher end of the scale, which for whatever reason makes us feel like we should sleep with them. But it has nothing to do with us. Now, this isnt exactly news, but the fact that we wouldnt know...thats news. Thats extremely unsettling, especially for someone who picks up women that I'm only genuinely interested in, men too...what sucks most about it is I have felt like just one of the guys for quite some time and it makes me question some of my best friends. It makes me wonder how many of them were playing me, were using our friendship as a way in, how many arent sincere, and didnt give a shit about me as a person??? He followed up his insult with telling me that he still wants me for me, and not just my ass...which is great...but it definitely didnt overshadow his "you wouldnt know". It was a lesson for me, and hopefully its a lesson for all the younger girls as well. 
Dont worry about societies expectations for your body, love yourself and your body, because ultimately, you are the only one that does.You will not know if anyone else sincerely loves your body as much as you think they do, and so long as you do (as you should!) then fuck em. Do what you want with your body and to hell with everyone else, its all fun and games anyway. 

nailed it

Monday, August 25, 2014

A Bittersweet Transition, gently saying goodbye to boobies. *nsfw*

      There are these moments in parenting that are full of feeling, these moments where we slow down and let it all sink in....the first ultrasound where you realize that those moments alone with the person you love has created a life and that life has a heartbeat and you are terrified and relieved at the sound. The kicking to the sound of your partners voice because they recognize both of you and you feel so happy for your other half that your heart could burst. The labor where you are anxious and full of this feeling of "we are doing this, we are making a family, something incredible and completely unbelievable is happening. The moment when you look at the baby and then you look at each other, just in awe. The sleep exhausted moments in the night when you cant decide if you want to never ever put them down because if you do you will lose one moment with them...or if you want to cry you are so tired and you just want them to sleep. The time when you or your partner return to work and you feel like your heart is breaking for your whole family, because its not fair that you cant stay in your bubble forever. There are all the firsts, walking, talking, giggles, teeth, etc. There are so many moments that happen, that help to break up all of the mundane day to day robotic moments. These moments, to me, are not always easy, as I'm sure they aren't for all mothers.

     I never realized that breastfeeding would be more than just feeding any babies I had. I never realized that it was more than just health benefits for both of us, that it was more than food and water wrapped up in one. I didnt know that it would dry tears during a hysterical crying fit from a fall down cement steps, I didnt know that it would help dull teething pain while multiple teeth (including incisors) try to bust through all at once. I didnt know that it would soothe belly pains and bumped knees and bad moods and anxiety and stranger danger. I didnt know that it was a bandaid, that it could be used as actual medicine, for eye drops and nose spray and diaper cream and more. I didnt know that the sound of her gulping could soothe my own soul. 

It hasnt been easy, from the moment that I placed her on my chest and let her crawl her way up and I had to put my fear aside. I had only breastfed her sister for 2 weeks, and that 2 weeks was a constant struggle, between the shield and the pumping and the cluelessness and the strange women touching me trying to help..gruffly I might add, etc. So I was terrified this time around, that it wasnt going to work out again, and again I would find myself sitting up bawling my eyes out feeling like a failure as a mom. The first 48 hours of her life she nurse around the clock, AROUND THE CLOCK FOR 48 HOURS...just let that process for a second. Look at her, this was her first latch after we did the breast crawl. 

After that, we dealt with an oversupply and engorgement like you wouldnt believe (hellooooo big ol booglies!) and learning to block feed, we dealt with thrush that was resistant to all three rounds of nystatin but had nothing on gentian violet...of course that meant we both had to be purple for a bit, but then it got easier. It got so easy that I began to feel bad for moms who couldnt just whip out a boob and go...oh, and I got to watch her grow...and grow....and grow....and grow! Going from 7lbs 11oz, to maxing out at around 32.5lbs somewhere between 8-10months old, she was ENORMOUS. 

But thats not the point of this post, the point is we have made it to 2 years old and counting. I thought I would stop at 1 year, I thought I would stop at 18 months...I never thought we would make it to 2 years, but somewhere around 3 months I decided I would stop when she decided we were ready....but things change. I'm not planning to cut her off entirely, because boobies has been everything I said above and her blankie, and her lullaby..boobies has been her entire world for 2 plus years, and just ripping them away would be we are weaning gently for her sake...and mine. 

Mine, because I didnt realize that breastfeeding would be such a large part of my life, I didnt realize that in this journey of life, that I would need closure when it came to stopping, that this would be such a bittersweet transition. *break to let you know that I have incredible friends* As I was making the decision to wean, my friend (who is a henna artist, click it to see some of her awesomeness) threw this idea at me of a chest piece having to do with a nursing photo shoot, how serendipitous right? So we put together this concept of a series of symbols, the henna turned out gorgeous and helped me to find closure through their representations. 
there are symbols for love, cherished moments, transformation, renewal, healing, strength, enlightenment, rebirth, reflection, balance. 

Sadly the henna didnt last until we made time to take the pictures, you will see it, but its also very faded...but thats okay, because just getting it, and having it, helped me. I decided on the henna and the photos as one last hurrah before starting the weaning, and since the henna and photos we have completely weaned during daylight hours. She is still nursing at night, but that is also being cut down gradually. Its harder at night because we bedshare and I'm asleep when shes nursing, but with the other recent changes in our lives, this wont last much longer, but I'm okay with where we are right now :) So, without further ado: 

Its amazing to me how far we've come, my littlest love and I. One adventure ending, many more to come.