Long time no see!

Holy Guacamole Batman! Completely forgot about this blog! Want an update? Lets see....

T and I are happily together, we've even had a new baby girl! She's now 4 months old, cloth diapered, breastfed (exclusively as she will be until about a year old and she wont be weaning until she's ready), and was born in an awesome natural birth that would have been at home if my midwife wasnt under hospital contract. Natalie is an amazing big sister and Rosalie loves her! I am still a sahm, only now I'm a wahm...I am the working mama behind NalaPosies Boutique  which is running a giveaway right now so enter!!!!

Lets see....I'm homeschool Natalie until I decide whats going on with vaxing/unvaxing. (I'm a tad bit crunchy and not entirely sure I'm okay with further injecting my kids with poison for their "health" when building and boosting their immune systems would do them far more justice) We enjoy it but with that, housework, a new baby, my boutique, babysitting and homeschooling, I'm finding myself a little too worn out to do too much...so we are mostly child led based on a general theme....which was part of the unschooling/montesori style I was leaning towards anyway. There is a good bit of curiosity exploration that leads to many cool lessons. 

Natalie turns 5 (OMG WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN????) in a few weeks and I'm so upset I cannot express how sad I am that she is growing up!!! She is brilliant and beautiful and mouthy and stubborn and such a grown up! We are having a glow in the dark party in the basement and a rainbow party upstairs...oh yeah, we moved for T's promotion....

But now T is back at his old store (which I personally feel like he should be store manager of...) and he works a lot.

Mom got remarried, then he died, and she met someone else (daddy #5 for me) and we really like him. They are getting married next September. He's great but its whatever...hopefully this one lasts. 

I am passionate about childbirth, breastfeeding, NOT circumcising (facts overrule myths people), attachment parenting, I'm incredibly anti-cio....who knew it killed brain cells and causes emotional distress?...I'm determined to become a doula/childbirth educator and live on a farm...I'd LOVE to start a commune complete with birth center....think The Farm. 

I limit the number of toxins that come into my house and make most of my own stuff, I will be making the switch to mama cloth possibly too....I love cloth diapering so its logically the next step. I'm entirely too broke to cloth diaper how I want, but I'm leaning towards learning to make my own here soon too, I just want to make them all so cute lol. 

Alright....back to work, heres a picture for you :)

Decorating.....I am thinking about starting a seperate blog about designing....

when I open it, I'll let you know!  : )

Stay at home mom

I'm back to being a stay at home mom (the scheduling was NOT working with one car and no babysitter!)...and I'm feeling crafty this holiday season....loving all the crafting blogs out there, I cannot get enough!!!!!!!!!
Still addicted to coffee in an obsessive kind of way and my kid is driving me crazy with the whining...but I know its because its too yucky to go out and play and she just has too much energy. I feel bad about it really.
thats about all.

buttercream

icing on a baby spoon at 12:30 in the morning with Finding Nemo playing in the background....ahhhhhh the good life!

Since my last update, T and I are doing well and I have put in a request to work only 3 days a week...that way I can still have 4 days to take care of my house and my kid and my relationship. But getting out of the house 3 days a week is good for me.

other than that, not much has changed...sorry to disappoint.

He may have been right!

I do need to be a nicer person. My new mantra seems to be that "if you cant say something nice, dont say anything at all". I've always been proud of my open honesty, but I am really starting to see the faults in that way of thinking. I'm thinking of making a banner that says that mantra in my home. If I apply that to every aspect of my life, and I convince others to follow it as well, big changes could occur.
I am also seriously reconsidering whether or not I am meant to be working. It just doesnt feel right. I feel like my home life is falling apart, my relationship is getting better, but my house is falling apart at the seems! All the major housework has been neglected. I'm not even cooking, doing laundry, or dishes anymore.  I'm also concerned that I'm not getting this job, like its not a good fit for me. I wanted it to be, and I plan to still work hard at it, but something about it just feels wrong. I dont want to quit, I dont like to quit...at anything. Quitting isn't really my style...but if it doesnt start feeling right soon, I think that I might reconsider being a stay at home mom...and this time it wont be because I got thrown into it, but because being a mom feels right to me for now.
However, being a sahm means staying here and making my relationship with T work, it means not moving out, it means making the choice to spend...possibly the rest of my life...with this person. Looking back over our relationship thus far I am realizing where I was at fault, and where he was at fault and what needs to happen to make it work. I'm not saying it would be perfect, but I can see how a few simple steps in the right direction on both of our parts might make a huge difference. I can see life moving forward in a way that makes us both happy....but I'm not sure we are capable of that on our own. I dont know.
I know it sounds like I have made a decision, but I really haven't. I'm afraid to make a decision so quickly. I'm afraid I will stop working, and we will move right back into our usual ways and I will have to start all over. God this is scary. I dont know what to do! If anyone has any advice, I'd love to hear it.
I'm afraid I am also making excuses and settling for less....but maybe its a blessing in disguise? Maybe this is the life I need to live to get somewhere more firm? I know I need him, and I think he needs me. I know Natalie needs us both. I know that I want certain things in life and that I can get there in time no matter which direction I chose to follow... but which one will be more fulfilling? Which one will let me look back on my life and know that I made the right decision? What would Shirley McClain do? lol.
I do my best thinking in the shower...I will take a nice long shower tomorrow and think on this some more. Again...any advice is welcome! Thanks!

Found this picture that fits perfectly how I feel right now!

Its an action figure!~ How awesome is that? I started working again. I like my job, but its a lot of work!!! I know I know...I go to work to work. Got it! It's not a hard job by any means, but last night was my 1st night alone and by the end of the night, I was so frazzled I was in tears! Nothing was going right! I cut my finger, I spilled coffee beans everywhere, I sprayed everything (including myself) with eliminex, and I couldnt figure out how to stop the espresso machine after I cleaned it...oh, and I clocked out 20mins late!
I expected it to be hectic, but sheesh!

Today I put Natalie down for a nap, because yesterday she dumped shampoo in my bed when I was in the shower before work...and I decided then and there that she will have a mandatory "quiet time/nap time" in her room at 1pm from then on...so anyway, I put her down for a nap and shut her door. Now she is almost 3 years old, I let her cry it out at this point in her life..she is a big girl, she can handle it. I went downstairs to smoke and then get started on the cleaning even though she was crying. I came back in after 20mins and realized she was still crying..only now she was screaming...uh oh! I go upstairs and go to her and she locks a death grip on me and is sobbing so hard I cant understand her : ( I finally get her to tell me whats wrong and come to find out that her lovie  Nala

has batteries that are dieing...she sounds very glitchy, and drawn out and well...quite frankly, creepy! Her lovie has her TERRIFIED!!!!!! Apparently, Nala's coined phrase "I like snuggling with you" sounds more like "I want to suck your brains out through your nose little girl and eat your beautiful face off" to a toddler! Man do I feel like a piece of shit over the whole ordeal!
So to make up for it we painted her nails bright pink with sparkles and now we are going to do a craft....
good times.

So yeah..thats why I havent blogged much lately...my life is going haywire!

oh yeah...last night T told me that I need to be a nicer person...fuck you dude!

Todays the big day

This interview is the 1st step to the rest of my life..... my life is going to be turned upside down from the (hopeful) moment that I get hired on...I will no longer be a stay at home mom. I will no longer be there for my little girl constantly...I will then be one of the parents that leave their kids for a few hours a day....and thats not a bad thing. She has had me there to hold her hand her whole life...its getting to that point where separation might not be so bad. But its hard.

In other news...T kissed me on the head this morning before he went to work....I cant remember the last time we actually touched...its been at least 2 weeks.

Also, I have been reading a book from the perspectives of a married couple separating after 20 years.... some of the wisdom I am gaining in that book seems irreplaceable. I think I'm going to start putting the quotes on here somewhere....

Oh...and my coffee sucks this morning! I am going grocery shopping after my interview though so its fine because I plan to get some more!

Thats all for now...I havent drank much of my coffee yet..my brain isnt working yet and I am still grouchy...I dont feel like typing anymore!